My breastfeeding days are over

I have seen it coming for the last couple of weeks. For the last month or so, most of Nora’s nursing was done at night. She was asking to nurse less and less during the day. I could tell that she wasn’t nursing often enough to keep up my milk supply. I offered to nurse her a few times, and she just refused. One day last week she latched on and looked up at me and signed “all gone”. I knew our nursing days were nearly over at that point. It was on my mind over the last week. I knew that my nursing days were numbered.

Each time she nursed last week I was conscious of the fact that it could be her last time. Last Wednesday I was in the kitchen and Nora was pulling on my legs and signing milk. I picked her up and went and sat on our big olive green couch. Something told me that this was the last time she would nurse. I just held her little body and stroked her head while she nursed. Nobody else was home and I just sat there enjoying her. I thought about when I first nursed her as a newborn and how much she had grown. I thought about what a sweet little toddler she had become. I just wanted to savor every moment. I didn’t want to wake up one day and realize that Nora was weaned. I wanted to remember our last nursing session. As it turns out, Nora nursed for longer that time than she had in months. Looking back I am so glad that I took the time to just sit down with her and savor every last moment.

By most peoples standards, I nursed for a long time. When I decided to breastfeed I tried to learn everything that I could. I read books, I went to a class, and I attended La Leche League meetings. I saw people breastfeeding babies, toddlers, and children. I heard about people who let their children self wean. Before I was a nursing mom, it seemed weird to me to nurse anything but a baby. But, as I learned more, nursing just seemed normal and self weaning felt right to me. I was totally prepared to nurse my kids as long as they wanted to nurse. Little did I know that “as long as they wanted to nurse” would be much shorter than I expected.

First I had Emma, who had all kinds of problems nursing. As a newborn she wanted to nurse for hours, and she had problems gaining weight. As she got older she still had weight gain issues, and she started to pull off the breast and cry. She never nursed for comfort. I discovered that she was tongue tied, but not until she was around 5 months old. I had her frenulum clipped. It helped so much with her weight gain, but by then she had already formed a negative idea of breastfeeding. Keeping her nursing until she turned a year was a struggle. At about 13 months she just refused to nurse again.

Ian was a better nurser. He was quick and super efficient. He liked nursing, but he didn’t really ever nurse for comfort either. He was all business and just wanted food. He was much bigger than Emma, but still a not a chubby baby. I started feeding him solid foods around 7 months but, he wasn’t very interested. He got almost all of his nutrition from nursing until right around a year. At that time, he decided that he really liked food. He kept nursing, mostly at night, until about 15 months.

Nora just followed along in Ian’s footsteps. Except she LOVES to eat. She loves food and can’t get enough. She eats anything and everything that I give her. I think she just decided that food was better than nursing, and gradually she stopped wanting to nurse.

I feel like I accomplished my breastfeeding goals. I followed the lead of my children. There were no tears, and weaning was gentle. Gradually they just nursed less and less, until they chose to stop. I was never engorged and my milk supply just gradually diminished. Even so, I can’t help but feel a bit sad. It is hard to believe that I won’t ever nurse another baby. I can’t believe that I am not a nursing mama anymore. I am thankful for all the times I did get to nurse. I am thankful that I persevered with Emma, even when it was really hard. I am happy that I was able to give my kids the very best start in life. And I am extremely happy that I took the time last week to sit down and savor my last real nursing session with Nora. I will remember that day for the rest of my life.